You can’t move someplace with no money.  You can’t leave a city like Duluth because there are no jobs here, which you need in order to save money so you can get out of here.  I’m not moving to a new city with nothing except a few bucks and the clothes I can fit into a duffel bag.  Not at this point in my life.  I need some security and stability, and that leads to the other problem: the job situation down there.  I must have sent my resume and called (and called and called and called) a dozen places.  They’re not hiring.  They haven’t been hiring for over a year.  They’ve had to let people go.  So now things are at an unusual playing field…the economy not only is terrible in Duluth, but in Minneapolis too.  For those not familiar, Minneapolis is the ‘safety’ run from Duluth.  It’s always been a dependable place to look for jobs and, well, escape the nothing-ever-happens environment that has always been Duluth.  But it looks as if nothing is happening in Minneapolis either, or so it seems, and as much as I wanted that nice studio apartment that would finally have been my own place with a fair rental program that I could possibly have looked at as permanent housing for the next decade or so, I had to say no.  And as much as I hate having to live in a housing ‘project’, here are the facts: I am single male with very low income and no children.  There are basically zero programs available for me if something were to happen financially where I could not help myself.  I would much rather be poor in Minneapolis than poor in Duluth – there is a definite sense of hopelessness in Duluth that is almost palpable – especially if you are gay – you KNOW that you will never find community here because within six months you know who everyone is, and you realize another thing – they’re never leaving, and nobody new has shown up.  If you’re not happy with what’s here right now, it must be understood that it will never change.  This is what’s here.  In Minneapolis, there is a feeling (whether it’s real or perceived) that things are constantly changing, there is some sort of hope that even though things might suck right now, they might not in six months, so just roll with it and see what happens.  I feel like I might have a shot at a normal life in a place that has more than six or seven gay people who aren’t on drugs or aren’t three times my weight or aren’t 20 years older than me.

But then reality hits: what about all those gay guys I know in New York or Chicago or other cities that seem so promising who have the same luck that I have in Duluth?  They seem to be trying also, and if they can’t find anyone where they live, what makes me think things would be different for me?  That’s what scares me big time.  Because when it really comes down to it, if I had a ‘partner’ (god I hate that term) here I would feel much better about being here (and those who think that says something about self-esteem, you’re right – considering that almost everyone here is straight, has kids and is married; I wonder how they would deal with being childless and not only single, but with over 99% of the available dating pool off limits).  Yes, it does make life extremely depressing.  I hate being in a place where I can basically count on being the only gay person anywhere I go, or if I do see anyone else who is gay, I already know them.  Imagine life with no fun surprises, or imagine never having a young adulthood with those kinds of possibilities that makes life not only fun, but also boosts your feelings of sexual worth and desire.  When everyone you are interested in don’t even notice you, after a while you lose all desire.  In other words, what’s the point of doing anything in life if you feel you have no purpose in life and no future with anyone?  Nobody wants to go through life alone, but it’s more than that.  It’s feeling as if you have options.  I don’t feel, as a gay person, that I have any options anywhere.  Being part of a group that only makes up 2% of the population is not enough for me.  I need variety.  I need possibilities, I need to feel like I’m not stuck with someone just because he is gay and I am gay.  But that’s exactly how I’ve felt ever since I came out.  None of these guys are what I had in mind for a relationship.  And I can’t deny it: being gay alone sucks.  I laugh when someone asks me about gay marriage because I wouldn’t even know what it’s like to have someone in my life – I wouldn’t even know where to go to find him.  Look at gay.com – both the Duluth and Minneapolis rooms are loaded with guys who have no photos, no profiles, and have no intentions of ever meeting anyone in public.  We have a whole new group of gay men who are never coming out and have the best possible scenario to prevent them from growing up – the illusion that they are part of the gay community when they are merely shadows in a chat room where, after ten years of being online, nobody notices you anymore because they’ve already read your profile, they already have seen your photos, and they’re looking for the newest guy who just signed up today – so they can get to him before anyone else.  When I came out at 15 I had no choice but to see real, live gay people from day one because there were no other options.  So at least I had some lessons on interaction, socialization and visibility.  Even with those social skills I STILL feel like I’m lacking in many ways.  Imagine how many years (20 or 30?) these new guys will be spending trying to figure these lessons out – if you have nobody to encourage you to come out and deal with these things, you simply won’t.  This is why heterosexual married men eventually go to the doctor, dentist, etc – because their wives MAKE them.  Gay men who are alone have nobody to make them do anything, so they usually never do it.  What’s the incentive?  For a lot of these guys online, they ask why should they come out?  They know their chances of meeting anyone are slim to none.  They don’t realize though, that for all the hundreds of thousands of gay guys who are now staying at home and hiding online, it’s that many more guys that the rest of us will never meet, never know and never get a chance to fall in love with, making the pool even smaller than it is now.

I think the excitement about running now has to do with the knowledge that winter is approaching quickly, and I want to enjoy as much of the nicer weather while I can. If I can get that winter jacket that I want, hopefully I can spend a lot of time outside this winter.

J (I hate to use his real name) is now in Spartanburg, SC and I’m not sure if he will return to Duluth. I’m thinking it would be a good idea for him to stay there because his family is so dysfunctional and I don’t see him getting on with his life with those variables here (convicted criminals, welfare fraud, nobody has any money, theft…). In order for him to start a new life he is going to have to cut ties (for now) until he can develop some life and work skills to move towards being self-sufficient. I told him these things today, and like always, he completely missed the point and thought I never wanted to see him again.

This is out of character for me, but I became very angry with this classic passive-agressive shit that he pulls. I let him know what I really thought (at 28, he has received SSI social security and there is nothing wrong with him). He has never- not once filled out a job application or even looked at the employment classifieds in the newspaper.  At 28.  He claims to have ADHD, OCD, anxiety and depression. In the ten years he’s been on this he hasn’t once been to a psychiatrist, therapist, taken medication or done anything that would suggest that yes, this person is emotionally disabled; seeking treatment for these conditions and actively seeking support to ‘get well’. It smells of a scam because the whole family (10 kids!) is on it, all are all no to low income, and switched to SSI after Minnesota enforced a five year welfare limit. What a coincidence! These kids were suddenly disabled right before the five years were up. I told him what nobody else has so far – he’s not disabled.  He is lazy.

He was raised by inept parents who didn’t have a clue how to raise kids (and should have never had them) and felt entitled to a lifetime of welfare, paid for by people like me (their attitude is ‘let someone else pay for it’). I told him that I’m sick and tired of all his excuses and I’m just about ready to call SSI myself and report him. He is someone who will only seek employment when he is dragged kicking and screaming; otherwise he will remain lazy and unproductive. I reiterated that I’m done with this hand holding bullshit of ‘why don’t you volunteer so you can get job skills or go over to MN Jobworks (another government program that WE fund) and work with a job coach so the transition won’t be so tough?’. Forget it.  He needs to do this the hard way: forty hours a week, get up at 4:30 or 5:00 a.m., full time. No more SSI for a ‘condition’ that used to be called lazy and dumb. Lots of people have to work two jobs while disabled and are twice his age. In this time of economic disaster it absolutely makes my blood boil that we as taxpayers are funding these peoples lifestyles to sit at home and jerk off on the Internet all day or play xbox or whatever else. He and his parents should all be forced to be at the workhouse for however long to pay back all this money they’ve ripped off from the taxpayers.  I don’t give a shit that they are 50 and 60, have heart conditions and fibromyalgia.  My parents are 64 and 70, work full time, have high blood pressure, my dad had a triple bypass last year.  His parents haven’t worked a day in their lazy unproductive lives, except his mom laying on her back 10 different times with however many different men she had sex with to get pregnant with all these kids who don’t share the same dad.  These people need to get a goddamn job. Not in six months or six weeks. He needs to start looking today. I’m turning him in. I’m sick of these lazy people who think I owe them a living because getting an education is too hard and work is for other people (because, hey, I can’t get along with people; that’s part of my ADHD! I’m disabled!).

Bullshit.  Start taking the kids away from parents like these the minute social services sees red flags during the initial home visit.  Joe is screwed for life because at 28, with no work ethic, it’s going to be a lifetime of dragging him by the hair to get him to do anything.  

I had a good time staying with Rich and Jason.  They live in the Warehouse District of Minneapolis, near a Salvation Army thrift store.  Ten years ago this part of Minneapolis was a ghost town, with old vacant buildings that hadn’t been in use for over a century.  At just the right time, someone came along and developed many of these warehouses into top-notch condominiums.  And since they completed them on time, people moved in, and are still there.  If they were to discover these buildings today, the would have no ‘product’ to  sell – nobody is buying, and the extravagant price that is being asked for downtown is beyond most people’s budgets.  I’ve even heard that the average person can no longer get a loan for a home now.  So, I am expecting to see more rental properties around rather than all these condominiums.  There were so many buildings being converted into owner units that I kept wondering, what is going to happen when the market no longer demands this kind of housing?  The majority of people can’t handle living downtown – it’s a great idea, and probably fun for about six months, but the little things (no grocery store within reasonable distance, having to take public transportation, having to adapt to other people in the same living space) is not easy if you’ve owned a home in a residential neighborhood for many years.  For me, because I’ve lived downtown both in Duluth and Minneapolis, I would be fine with it.  All I need is a studio unit, and since I got used to that kind of living early on, I had no problem with it.  Although I’ve lived at home in Duluth for a long time, I’m sure I could re-adjust to the kind of living in downtown Minneapolis.  

While I ran the marathon (the first few miles), the course took us through downtown Minneapolis.  Part of me was relieved that I no longer lived there with the screwballs and thugs and people I generally dislike having to deal with, but another part of me really misses the excitement of seeing new people all the time; the possibilities, the new jobs that might come along, the new gay guys to meet, the new stores, the new coffee shops, the new hangouts, the fitness centers that always get new equipment; I miss my classes I used to teach at the Downtown Y…part of me wanted to just stick around downtown for the day, walk around and remember all the places I hung out at.  It’s been a long time since I originally moved to Minneapolis for the first time (July 1992), and a long time since the best moments of those years happened (fall/winter 1995-96).  I remember so well when I worked at the reception desk at the Downtown YMCA and Jeff would come down the stairs to see me (this was in December 1995, and I remember that particular year it was just FREEZING down there.  I was so happy to see him.  Since then I have not had that same feeling of joy to see someone (besides my parents)…sometimes that is a depressing thought but sometimes I think that I have a lot time yet to find someone who will make me feel that way again.  I don’t know.  I thought this last guy was ‘it’, but I was very wrong.  I was trying too hard to make myself see something that just wasn’t there. 

I used to just dread coming back to Duluth after doing whatever I’d do in Minneapolis.  Today, I think nothing of it.  Probably because I’ve already lived there for so long and I know that things aren’t that much different there when you add it all together.  Yea, there are more gay people, but they all seem to be the same kinds of gay people that are here that I’m just not into, only more of them.  I’m comfortable being at home here.  And until I really have to seriously seek out professional jobs, I don’t mind living in Duluth and having the routine I have.  The only two things that would bring me to Minneapolis (or Phoenix) would be the chance of meeting someone decent and the fact that there are just more jobs open.  Otherwise I still think that most places are the same and it’s the person that has to learn how to change rather than the person changing their location – life is going to be however it is no matter where you move.  

Back to this year’s marathon.  The Twin Cities Marathon will always hold a special place in my heart because it was that weekend (10/5/95) that I met Jeff.  It was the start of the happiest times of my life, and the marathon was the reason why we met.  This year had to be the most significant marathon for me physically and mentally; I had not done any training outside this summer (especially not in the rain!) and the marathon was all that and more – pouring rain, cold, soaking wet clothes, shoes completely trashed (I had to throw them out), and then I had to figure out a way to get through the marathon despite being drenched, cold (and not to mention freezing cold hands and feet).  The most uncomfortable feeling, and I wasn’t even halfway done yet.  This was around mile 7, and I had 19 more miles to go.  How the hell was I going to finish this thing?  

Nobody really talks during the Twin Cities.  And with the ‘no headphones rule’ (don’t even get me started on how stupid this is) it makes for a very mentally challenging race.  You have to either create a playlist in your mind or take in the scenery around you for the entire race.  Which works, for maybe an hour, but after that you need some mental stimulation.  Most people are in their own world during the marathon so it’s difficult to find a friendly face at all.  And since nobody I know runs the way I run, I do these things alone.  But maybe that works out for the best, I don’t know.  All I know is that this year’s race will go down as the second most memorable (besides the ’95 race) and I want to get a couple more finisher shirts (they are fantastic!).  Everything that I thought I wasn’t ready for, I conquered, and everything I kept saying “I can’t do this, I can’t do this” I pushed myself through it, and I did do it!

So the marathon came and went; this had to be the hardest race I’ve ever done (mentally). The marathon is 26.2 miles, and from mile 3 to 13 we had straight, heavy pouring rain – relentless – by about mile 7 I seriously asked myself if this was really worth running, because I had never done much running outside in the rain (or outside at all) and I really got spoiled by working out inside at the fitness center everyday, with guaranteed good weather, and knowing what machines I’d be using that day. When you’re outside running 26 miles, anything can happen and weather can change. You have to be ready for the marathon rather than the other way around. The most challenging part had to be that..how would I be able to get through all this rain, puddles, wet clothes; all that training you did ultimately overrides the weather conditions because if you don’t run the marathon in spite of the rain, you’ll really wish you would have run it. I thought of that the whole time I got soaked and somehow stuck with it. There’s no way I can quit after starting! But the weather sucked. I’d have to say it was worse than the 90 degree heat of last year. Like I said to another runner, last year I had to walk so I could stay cool; this year I had to keep running in order to stay warm! Because it doesn’t pay to stop and walk when you’re cold, wet and your clothes are soaked. A couple times I stopped at the porta potty to literally get out of the rain and wring out my clothes!!

In the end, I’m happy I finished because I have a brand new finisher shirt and medal to be proud of.

It’s nice to get out of Duluth once in a while, if even for a day.

I’ve been feeling guilty and depressed over this relationship that really wasn’t and what I learned about myself over the past six months. I feel bad that I’m avoiding him by not returning calls; the truth is I don’t want to talk to him right now. I feel bad because I feel like a coward for not dealing with him but when I do ‘deal with him’ it brings me down and nothing is solved. Like I said before I saw qualities I wasn’t comfortable with and looking back I think I wanted a good friend rather than a lover, but I didn’t know how to say that. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what my problem – my block is against finding someone. The only thing I can come up with is…I’m attracted to very masculine, confident, rugged guys. Someone who is helpless, doesn’t carry himself like an adult man with confidence, and doesn’t have that masculine personality just doesn’t turn me on. Overly effeminate (or stereotypically gay) mannerisms do not turn me on. There’s nothing that can change that. I was really trying hard to overlook these things but sexually nothing was happening. For some reason I couldn’t budge. I didn’t want him touching me. The clingy stuff that I’ve waited so long for – I pulled away from. Again, my body rejected this guy. No matter how much I tried to convince myself to be more open minded the worse it got.

The conclusion I’ve drawn is this – being gay is a rotten life. You have 2% of the male population as a base to choose from. That’s not figuring in interests, attractions, mutual things; that’s only figuring in guys who like guys. The other thing is that about 75% of those gay guys act like the guy I just described. I say be yourself, but the sexual being that I am is terribly frustrated to see guy after guy who acts like such a queen. Hard part is some of these guys are such nice people in every other light, but I can’t make something happen sexually if I’m not into it. I don’t know if, when or how I’m ever going to resolve that. After being out for all these years and seeing only a few gay guys who are naturally masculine and sexy to me, it feels like a long wait with no guarantees.